Control

We always strive to control our surroundings - right from political aspirations to the daily fight over remote, every decision or action is to exert our control over the existing situation. So faced with a situation where things as I knew them were spiralling out of control I focused on the mundane to keep my sanity.

Even as my parents walked in earlier than expected and I stood in front of dad asking him about the report. Even as I saw his sad nod and mums tears. Even as I cried against Ashvek's chest - the mind was working furiously to control this situation too. And it came upon how to lists as the perfect solution... How to inform my office? How to share this with family and friends? Which family and friends? How to share this with Manasvi? How do I want to fight this?

Coz fight it I did. I didn't have any options. I had a lovely 3 yr old who was literally my world (side note - when I tell her tu majha jag ahes her ever curious self asks me - kuthlya jug ahe milk ki juice? - side side note - this is what I mean about horrible jokes when stressed) and for whose happiness I would literally fight the world. This was just my body after all. And if I couldn't handle this the alternate was not something acceptable to me.

The quest for this control helped me quickly set up a few ground rules with the husband. Poor stressed thing that he was, he quickly agreed probably relieved that I appeared to be handling the news maturedly

A. My daughter will know all about the disease. It's a tough fight and I need to see my motivation with me daily

B. I will never wear a wig - this was a god given opportunity for me to walk the talk of 'you are who you are not what you look like' with my daughter. If I hide my eventual baldness Manasvi would grow up with the misconception that looks affect how you feel about yourself

C. I will share my story with as many people as possible. Any misfortune is unreal until it happens to you and if even 1 person diagnoses themselves early coz they were cautious on hearing my story - that would be one less victim for cancer

My father had similar ways of coping. His list involved deciding and embarking on immediate course of treatment, financial support and my well being. My mil did what she does best and threw me a lovely party with my parents invited too. No other gesture could have conveyed to me better that in this fight as in life - we were in it together.

In accordance with my father's plan, we visited Tata the very next day and met Dr Badwe (Padma Shri, Director of TMH, best breast oncosurgeon in the world and a friends father - in ascending order of importance for me and possibly his shortest introduction ever) His calm demeanour and Santa Claus smile made my last and toughest decision a breeze for me - Where do I get treated? At the place where he could be my primary surgeon even if it meant 3 hours travel to and fro - Tata Memorial Hospital